Tuesday, August 30, 2005

the Hurricane Bunker

hi folks

man, what a hurricane. that was a really big hurricane. a bunch of stuff got smashed! man.

i was talking to margaret last night about my idea for a hurricane bunker. i got the idea a few years ago. back then, it was just a concrete bomb shelter installed on a beach. the idea has been much improved since then. as i described it to her, it got more and more sophisticated. i thought i should make a public proposal for construction of a hurricane bunker, so if any one out there wants me to build one, they should send me about a million dollars right now.

okay, so, basically it would just be a small, bathroom sized bunker, maybe just big enough for one person, maybe two. it would probably be round, shaped sort of like a flying saucer or an Advil. it would have to be watertight and reinforced against impact, and it would have to be bouyed so it couldn't sink. also, it would be a bunker, not a boat, and i wouldn't want to be washed out to sea, so it would be attached to the ground by a set of retractable, tensioned, spring loaded cables. this way, it could float on the surges of water, but it couldn't float away, and it wouldn't sink either.

of course, it would have to have big, thick viewing windows. also, the top of the bunker would be decked with armored, caged floodlamps. man, you could even put a rudder on the thing and try to maintain control through the storm, but it would probably just be a big violent ride. at any rate, it might be nice to put those tensioned cables under some sort of control, so you could tighten one up or loosen it if you didn't like your position or your attitude. if it could be constructed light enough, it would be like flying yourself in a kite; with good aerodynamic design maybe you could do some flying in those 150mph winds!

inside would basically be a cockpit, with padded walls and a pilot's chair built into the main construction of the bunker. you'd have to be strapped in, of course. it would probably be a good idea to put the inner cockpit in some sort of suspension with shock absorbers and everything, otherwise all the slamming and crashing around might kill you or break your neck.

considering that this thing is so small, and that it's able to fly and ride on storm surges, it should be small enough to fit on the back of a big truck. so, you could go out to meet hurricanes head on, installing yourself on beaches wherever you thought the roughest part was going to land. one problem would be grounding the cables; how could you reliably attach the thing to the ground? i'm sure there would be a ton of crazy forces on the thing, twisting it around, snapping it back and forth, etc., and i wouldn't want my cables to break loose, or to snap, or something.

this is my idea. i think it's a great idea. margaret says maybe crazy rich people would buy hurricane bunkers (maybe they should be called hurricane cockpits, or hurricane cockpit bunkers; HCB's. i don't know.). just like how people have hot air balloon hobbies, there could be hurricane riders, storm surge afficianados. it just seems like a terrible waste to run away from such great storms. i love storms.


  1. I think that's a great idea! I want one! Of course, I'm not super wealthy, so right now it's just a dream, like owning an RV. Say! You should give it a name like one of those big RVs. Like "Wind Rambler" or "Hurricane Hideaway" or "Aerostream II."

  2. I, too, would ride in a pill-shaped hurricane bunker. But I think there should be more padding and less straps, so that if the wind and the sea decided it wanted to spin you around... er, scratch that. Straps are good.

  3. Speaking from the hurricane's point of view, don't you think it would be wrong to ride a pill-shaped object down the storm's throat? Isn't that kind of like force feeding a five year old valuum or something? The hurricane doesn't know better. It'll swallow you straight up, thinking your meaning all well, and then suddenly the laser cannons drop out of the bottom of the bunker and BAM ZAP BAM BAM, the hurricane's all like, holy shit that hurt, you got me right in the eye, and than the wind dies and you crash land into the sand where you smash down right on top of an ant lion. How dare you kill an ant lion you bastard.