Monday, February 06, 2006

How Things Get Out of Sync

Argo: I was thinking today about something which I think is called 'global isochrony'.

Bellboy: What's that?

Argo: It's where everybody on the planet who has a clock, which is a lot of the people, or everybody on the planet who has to meet some clock-borne schedule, which is even more of the people, where they all change hours at the same time.

Bellboy: Why were you thinking today about that?

Argo: I don't really know.

Bellboy: Well, did you figure anything out?

Argo: Not really. I mean, I thought about it, and tried to look up something about it.

Bellboy: Did you find anything?

Argo: Well, I found a term, I think it was 'global isochrony', which I think applies to what I was thinking about. And I found that the institution of 'Time Zones' is what keeps global isochrony in place.

(Ms Sandy enters)

Ms Sandy: Hi there boys, good morning!

Bellboy: Why hello, Ms Sandy!

Ms Sandy: What are you two talking about this time of morning? Shouldn't you be cooking breakfast, Argo?

Argo: No breakfast this morning, Ms Sandy. I am vexed.

Bellboy: Ms Sandy, have you ever heard of something called 'global isochrony'?

Ms Sandy: No I haven't, and you'd do well to keep your ugly mouth shut. Argo, get to the kitchen.

(Ms Sandy leaves)

Argo: I'm glad she's gone. I don't like her.

Bellboy: Keep your voice down, she might come back.

Argo: I don't care. If she talks to me like that again, I'm going to stick this finger in her eye.

Bellboy: Okay, but first tell me what you learned about global isochrony.

Argo: That's it, I told you all I know. All the countries in the world live in time zones. What I was wondering was, when did this happen? I mean, back when they were laying railroads down, and suddenly you had reliable schedules, it was time to make departure and arrival times official; so, it was a good idea to synchronize all the clocks.

Bellboy: Right. But when did this happen? Or has it completely happened yet?

Argo: Exactly! That's what I wanted to know. When did local isochrony become global isochrony? Was there an International Time Zone Treaty? How many people are left who have no connection at all to hourly time? There are still herders and jungle people aren't there? They don't use clocks do they?

(Ms Sandy returns)

Ms Sandy: Argo, get to the kitchen! Sñr Pluto wants eggs and waffles, and he wants them now. Your pay will be docked for every moment Sñr Pluto goes without eggs and waffles. Argo, get your dirty finger out of my eye!

Argo: Six o' clock. Right now people are clocking in, clocking out, meeting new people, saying hello, opening up, closing shop, starting class, making phonecalls, tuning in their televisions, their radios-

(Argo and Ms Sandy leave)

Bellboy: Everywhere, alarms are waking people up, children are being put to bed, chimes are ringing! Global isochrony is amazing!


  1. This is sort of like some David Ives play or something. Bravo! I laughed.

  2. A. I agree with Michael.

    B. I hypothesize that penguins are the root of global isochrony. Here is why:

    The North and South Poles are where all of the lines of longitude converge within a small space as well as all of the boundaries between time zones. As far as the north pole goes, there's nothing but the occasional polar bear and a rogue eskimo or two, so obviously Arctic life has little to do with determining these things. However, the entire damn south pole is covered in penguins. Antarctic penguins exist in every single time zone of the world en mass. They are a concentrated energy that I believe steers the global economy. This focus of universal forces is apparent in the uniform appearance of penguins and their black and white nature.

    Ultimately my theory becomes this: RADIAL PENGUIN MIGRATION.

    The penguins, with no consicous effort on their part, undergo a process of penguis drift - a slow clockwise rotation around the magnetic south pole. this process of migration generates a uniform penguis thought wave that radiates outword in a spiral pattern and influences world thought on a sub-conscious level.

    therefore, no one is truly without hourly time, even those in primitive villages, because their minds are still influenced by the spiral patterned thought wave generated by the process of pengial drift.