Sunday, June 24, 2012


okay, so, that grant i applied for? failed. not discussed. not.. even.. discussed.

so, that's disappointing. hit rate was just 10-15%, but i felt like i had something. i've seen others with the same fellowship, and i don't think what i was proposing was of any lower quality. maybe a bit further from the norm, proposing things two steps from what anyone had done before - probably better to go one step at a time. there's also the fact that i'm obviously an underachiever. i can't hide it anymore - CVs don't lie. an underachiever with an abnormal proposal.

hurts my feelings, i guess. how can it not? well.. like i've been telling everyone, as a preemptive defense, i knew i wouldn't get it. a long shot. but it wasn't some self-fulfilling bullshit. i did my best. there's good stuff in there, and i'll do it anyways. but not putting it in the top half, not putting it on par with the rest of the proposals. that does hurt. i was hoping for a rejection despite a good score.

i think i'll probably still get comments back on it. i think. d** got comments even when his wasn't discussed in the last round.

let's rephrase the bit about being an abnormal underachiever. how about.. outsider?

let's get romantic.
tell the truth.
you see yourself as an outsider,
don't you?

i don't do it on purpose.
i don't try to be on the outside
in order to satisfy some requirement
that i've set for myself.

it's just what happens.
it's what i'm drawn to.
i'm drawn away.

you make choices
that put you on the outside.
your mentor is an outsider, and
you are the outsider in the lab.

in groups of friends,
i am the one who isn't
part of the group,
who tagged along,
happily accepting all invitations.

the underachiever.
the one you don't know.
i reject what they accept.

always the quiet one.
the different one
who finds himself in strange places.

it shines through
even in an NIH fellowship proposal:
you are a risk.

yeah, screw you. i wrote all that. i wrote it, then edited it into a poem. it's because of my self consciousness, not in spite of it. i am afraid to confront what i am, but i just did it. fine, i'm mad, and my feelings are hurt. i'm a pretentious kid. i'm used to it.

have to get used to this, kid. i hear there's a whole career of this ahead. have to keep writing these things and sending them in. some will succeed, some won't. i'll keep doing what i want to do, this is my guarantee.

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